Children handle these types of things differently and can have widely varying reactions, depending on their age, upbringing and personality. They also will devise different ways of coping.

But no matter what the age, be honest with them — at a level they can comprehend. Then let your grandchildren talk openly about their feelings. Having someone you know and love with dementia causes grief — in all age groups. A part of a person you love is vanishing and changing each day so it is natural for someone close (of any age) to experience the grief process kicking in.

If you are not comfortable with talking with them about Alzheimer’s or letting them know about a new diagnosis, have someone they trust speak with them about it. This might involve using the services of a licensed counselor or a support group, depending on the circumstances. This is a stressful family dynamic and must be handled with care. Everyone is experiencing grief, anxiety, loss, change and, eventually, death.

The national office of the Alzheimer’s Association has excellent information for children on its website. Visit it here.

There are also many fine books available on this subject. You can find various titles available for everyone from young children to adolescents. They also can be found at the Alzheimer’s Association website

Many online book sources. Suitable publications also can be obtained from the American Health Assistance Foundation.

“Sandwich generation” refers to individuals or families that find themselves raising not only their children but also parents or other elderly relatives, often while also holding a job. This obviously is a complicated scenario and can be very stressful for everyone involved.

The oldest might become harsh or impatient with the younger members of the household, and vice versa. The younger ones might feel as if their grandparents are encroaching on “their” space.

Trying to be a primary caregiver in this environment can be an especially complex minefield, and it is highly recommended to join a support group to obtain some coping strategies. In addition to this, you might want to look up a support group for children of people with Alzheimer’s.

The type of “blended” family described above can work, despite any battles that might break out. One place to find some assistance is the American Health Assistance Foundation, which has a number of very helpful publications.

The national Alzheimer’s Association also has many resources. Its contact center is available 24 hours per day at (800) 272-3900.

There are several groups that can give you a list of private-duty agencies that provide in-home care in your area, including: the Alzheimer’s Association, your Area Agency on Aging, Department on Aging, and Social and Rehabilitation Services. You can find a wide range of abilities and offerings, from aides to sitters and homemakers. They can perform specific or general duties.

If you need skilled care or a nurse for something specific, you should contact a home health agency, or speak with a local healthcare provider such as a skilled nursing facility or hospital, which might have referral groups or divisions that they themselves operate. Typically, a physician must be involved when setting up skilled services. This encompasses any nursing, physical therapy, occupational therapy or similar services. So check with the physician’s office for more referrals. Another great place to find information and referrals is through fellow members of a caregivers’ support group you might be a part of.

You also can attempt to hire an individual on your own. There are many individuals who work independent of any agency. But quality varies and while you should screen any direct caregiver or therapist, you must really check out any individual you might hire on your own to provide in-home care. Groups such as the Alzheimer’s Association have lists of individuals for hire but they typically will pass along only feedback they have received about caregivers, and not make recommendations. There are many variables involved, so you need to take appropriate caution during this process.

You must treat this as what it is: a business or employee-employer relationship. Use an application form, even something generic like those that can be found at office supply stores. Obtain a copy of valid identification cards, such as a driver’s license, Social Security card and anything else that might indicate stability and training, such as a certificate for nurse-aide training. Since we’ve established this is an employee-employer relationship, ask for a resume and references. Any reputable caregiver will have them and be glad to give them to you.

Interview more than one candidate. It’s the only appropriate thing to do, unless you are under extremely odd circumstances. Schedule a time when each candidate can spend some time with your loved one in his or her living setting. Notice how the two interact. Is your loved one comfortable with this person? Be sure to include your loved one in the process. It’s widely observed that individuals with dementia seem to have a “sixth sense,” so to speak, about judging people. So be sure to let your loved one have a say before you make a hiring decision.

You might need to hire a certified nurse aide (C.N.A.). They take care of basic but important tasks such as bathing, dressing, feeding and administering medications on time, in the proper quantities, etc. They must undergo a significant number of hours of formal training and typically have experience dealing with individuals with Alzheimer’s. Another thing you’ll want from your caregiver is proof of CPR training. Get a copy of their certification.

Once you have hired someone, the process isn’t over. Keep good records, including identification slips, background check results, copies of certifications, etc. Make sure your new employee is appropriately oriented to your house — and to any special needs or preferences your loved one has. Give detailed instructions about routines since people with Alzheimer’s seem to do better with familiar patterns of activity. Suggest activities and interests your loved one enjoys so the caregiver can get started on incorporating those, or expanding upon them as possible.

Nurse aides also can help with chores around the home, such as cleaning or cooking. But if that is all you will have them do, then hiring a homemaker specifically for these tasks would probably be a better, more economical idea.

Realize that, in some states, paying an individual to take care of your loved one (with proper care contracts in place) might cause Medicaid eligibility issues. You should consult an elder law attorney to be clear on this.

It is very likely he or she will be just like anyone else: The person will have good days and bad days, clearer days and foggier days. Sometimes it will seem like nothing is wrong; others, there will be no doubt Alzheimer’s is at work.

On a good day, the person might remember things like he or she once did. Patients might appear upbeat and say they are feeling good. You should savor these times. Such lucidity is a blessing you should embrace. You might begin to question whether the Alzheimer’s diagnosis is accurate. This would be false hope. Realize these times should be savored, for they will pass.

Caregivers tend to go through a grieving process and that can lead to fantasizing. It might seem like everything is just a bad dream, or that things will go back to the way they were one day. Denial might set in. We look forward to our loved ones “snapping out of it” any day. If and when lucid days come around, they can validate such fantasies. But then reality will hit us squarely between the eyes.

While you must let yourself grieve, you also must remember to enjoy each moment of the good times. It might be a few good days, or even just a few moments. Enjoy them regardless! “Quality” is more important than “quantity.” This is what you have to remind yourself. If your quality time is limited, at least you have those moments to draw from. Look at them as a blessing — and look back to them to help you get through bad times.

For more information, please click here to download our FREE “Indispensable Alzheimer’s Kit.”

As devastating as Alzheimer’s is, you can look at it as a burden or a blessing. We cannot control so much of our life — like what people think of us or how they run their lives. Or whether we get a disease.

But what we CAN control is our own reactions. While it might be very difficult, as a caregiver you must arrive at a place of acceptance. But you do not get there without grieving first.

Grieving is undeniably a personal journey. Some people progress at a fast pace while others take longer periods at various stages. Some stages they might never experience.

Grieving can consist of many emotions:

Shock — You can’t think, speak or react after hearing the diagnosis

Emotional outpouring — Yell, cry, even throw things at this stage

Depression — Loneliness and a feeling of isolation set in

Physical signs of distress — You might feel ill or extremely tired

Anxiety — Worries about what’s going to happen in the future grip you

Anger, hostility — You’re mad at the afflicted person, your family, doctors, even God. You then can feel guilty, especially for the anger you have directed at God

Guilt — Your thoughts and feelings make you feel guilty, or you feel that you’re not doing enough as a caregiver

Not keeping up with normal activities — You worry about how others will react or treat your loved one

Healing of memories — You come to the slow realization that healing memories are often painful memories. This is the time to come to grips with what is happening and realize that life has to change if it’s going to continue. Feed off the good memories to keep you going.

Acceptance — You start to accept you are in a new chapter of life. If you can accept that, you can get on with your life, and with much less stress.

Realize that you will continue to grieve due to the ongoing changes with Alzheimer’s disease. Even when you might get to the “acceptance” stage, you won’t be at the end of the line — you might cycle through the stages again, or through just a few. This is normal. It will not mean you’re regressing or going backwards. Afford yourself a break. Let yourself feel.

The blessings start to become apparent once you hit the “acceptance” stage. It’s said Alzheimer’s disease can be a person’s second chance in life. Inhibitions disappear. Patients become blatantly truthful, and often funny in the process.

You did not ask for your loved one to have dementia, and you didn’t ask to care for her or him. This situation has been “given” to you. That means it is a gift to you. And you discover that your loved one also is a gift to you.

For more information, please click here to download our FREE “Indispensable Alzheimer’s Kit.”

Generally speaking, most individuals with Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia respond well to music. Music is known as “the international language” and can be very helpful in many therapy endeavors. Of course, responses depend greatly on the individual, the Alzheimer’s stage — and sometimes even to the degree the person liked (or didn’t like) music previously. Then, there’s also the issue of what kind of music is to be played.

There is a stereotype that seniors will like only “old music,” or music that was popular when they were much younger. But that is an unnecessarily narrow view. Any music from the time of their birth to the present day is “from their era.” Too often when working with people with Alzheimer’s, or seniors in general, we think too narrowly of possibilities.

If you play music for a loved one with dementia and it doesn’t appear to be helping, try a different kind of music. Almost any genre of music — including classical — can feel hectic or stressed. This can over stimulate someone with weak defenses. Then, it ironically could become a case of causing more anxiety or agitation, rather than soothing it. Individuals with dementia can’t always say how they’re feeling, so the next step might be to act out. Therefore, closely monitor what is played, and what works.

Music or recordings that can be described as “white noise” are often soothing to individuals with Alzheimer’s. While “white noise” machines can be purchased, just running a fan or being somewhere near a bubbling fountain also could help your loved one relax.

You also can find CDs or other recordings with calming sounds of the wind, the ocean or birds, though you will want to observe whether any bird sounds become over-stimulating. If they do and start to create agitation, just turn off the recording.

Just like other people, sometimes individuals with Alzheimer’s want and need silence. So when all else appears to fail, try some peace and quiet!

For more information, please click here to download our FREE “Indispensable Alzheimer’s Kit.”

The difference in relationships matters. Non-relatives sometimes have easier access or more cooperation precisely because they are NOT family members. Many times, loved ones are harder on their relatives than anyone else. Your mother probably feels she can act however she wants around relatives.

Sometimes, loved ones don’t have good relationships to start with and this is just continuation of that dynamic. But usually a person will be on his or her best behavior for someone outside the family. That’s good news for aides, doctors and sometimes even strangers with whom they interact.

Sometimes all the family contact, and familiarity it brings, is too much. You both might just need a break from one another, having spent too much time together already.

This is not something you should take personally. Your mother still loves you. Just remember that she has a form of dementia. Many people don’t realize that almost all inhibition is eliminated with dementia. It’s a bit of a mystery, frankly, how some people can maintain such good manners with someone who is not as familiar with them as you.

It’s important for caregivers (such as yourself) to learn to let things go. You should weigh things such as: If all she wants to eat is chocolate pudding, is it hurting anyone/anything? If she wants it for breakfast, it might not be the most nutritious thing for her, but it’s not going to harm her (unless medically contra-indicated, of course). 

Learn to step back and evaluate the overall implications of odd requests or off-plan behavior. Choose your battles wisely. Often, if a loved one with Alzheimer’s doesn’t want to eat or dress or do some other common task, she or he will cooperate when you ask again later.

For more information, please click here to download our FREE “Indispensable Alzheimer’s Kit.”

Even if an abuser has Alzheimer’s disease and can’t control his temper because of it, it is still difficult to put up with. But you can’t take it personally. 

If his behavior is merely an extension of the way he used to treat people, you at least know what is happening. But if it’s a full personality change, it understandably could come as a shock. It will likely signal a period of mourning, where you will have to come to a point of acceptance that there has been a dramatic change.

Give your mother breaks since she is otherwise with him all of the time. It might mean hiring someone to come in and be with him, or using an adult day care center, or having family members rotate in. But you must realize that your mother needs breaks. The odds are he will act differently with non-family members. However, if he still verbally abuses home care workers or staff at the adult day care center, you have a bigger problem. Then, it might be time to get the doctor involved. See if the doctor has any suggestions — he might suspect depression or anxiety is in play and prescribe something for it accordingly. Often, Alzheimer’s patients act out due to an underlying cause such as depression, anxiety or pain. 

You also can deal with this volatile situation with humor. You can’t control how your father acts out, but you can control your responses. The staff at one adult day care center simply refers to harsh words or verbal abuse as its “terms of endearment.”

You also might want to openly acknowledge your father’s feelings to him. This could lessen his frustration level. A person with Alzheimer’s loses so much independence, he may rail against those nearest to him, especially if he’s receiving different sets of advice or orders from different people. 

Would-be advice givers need to be careful that they offer suggestions and directions in a non-threatening way. If your father resists, don’t press him and go back to the topic later. After an informal cool-down period, you may have better luck. To have success, you should also not talk down to him. He’s an adult and has his own personal history of independence and success. That should not be discounted. Your father will sense if he is being treated differently.

Another solution for you caregivers is to join a support group. Very often, there will be others in a group with the same or similar problems. They can either give you successful strategies or simply the comfort and understanding that you need to know you’re not alone in this battle. You and your mother also should journal feelings and frustrations about your dad’s behavior. By dealing with your feelings, you’re better able to help your father.  To find a support group near you click here.

This is a very good question because routines are very, very important. A steady routine will be familiar and comforting as a person with Alzheimer’s progresses into the disease and loses more memory. If you live with your loved one, make everything a part of a schedule or routine if possible. You should do this for both of your sakes.  

Rituals, such as at bedtime, are critical. If your loved one always ate something particular before bed, or checked a door(s) or performed some other task, you should continue with it. If your loved one becomes restless before bed time or is having a hard time getting to sleep, allow him or her to get up and do anything in their ritual. This will help the person feel at home. To reiterate rituals and routines are very, very important. 

A daytime routine might include specific medication or eating times, checking the mail, bathing, going to get a haircut, grocery shopping with you and just about anything else you want to include. Putting drinking water into the routine is great because it can add to a sense of process but also keep a person with Alzheimer’s hydrated, which can sometimes be an elusive task. You both should also be sure to include relaxation time in your regular schedules.

Some other good things to include in a daily schedule could be: feeding a pet(s), folding laundry, reading the newspaper, going for a walk or drive, taking out the garbage, getting a snack, drinking coffee, etc.

 It might be difficult, but while trying to keep a steady routine, you have to avoid becoming too rigid. If the activity you had planned isn’t working out well for your loved one, be flexible and don’t argue. Move on to the next thing and go with the flow. If you have an activity that simply must be done (such as dressing), take a break from it and try again late.

For more information, click here to receive our FREE “Indispensable Alzheimer’s Resource Kit, ” which has additional information regarding caregiving issues.  In addition, attend an Alzheimer’s Support Group.  To find one in your area click here. 

There are pros and cons to this, but it is probably worth a try. It has worked for many people who have Alzheimer’s since a basic human need is to nurture.

There have been many people with Alzheimer’s who have thought the doll was real. It can be beneficial, as they carry the doll everywhere and make sure it is cared for.

However, it also can have negative effects since the person with the doll might take worrying about it to extremes. Take, for example, one woman at an adult daycare center who had been a volunteer in healthcare facilities much of her adult life. She loved to take care of people and things, and she liked to keep busy. The staff gave her a doll.

It looked like a great idea at first and appeared to be a solution to her “busyness.” But after just a few hours, she began worrying about feeding the “baby.” She worried so much, she became agitated. Some clever staff members told her they were baby sitting and were able to get it out of her sight that way. With the “baby” out of view, the woman began to calm down. Staff put the doll away for several months and then gave it back. The woman was able to carry it around and not stress out about it at that point.

Your mother needs a lot of validation and assurance — on an ongoing basis. Assure her that her children are safe and doing fine. Most likely she is thinking about them as being young and is therefore worried about their wellbeing. Try to redirect her toward other kinds of activities to keep her mind busy, and off her children.

One alternative that has worked well is stuffed animals. A person with Alzheimer’s has the need to touch, love and give affection, just the same as anyone else. Stuffed animals can fill that need.